Ok, let me set the scene for you....I've just set off for work, lovely crisp morning, the sweet sounds of Ron Sexsmith fill my car, perfect conditions for a nice relaxing commute to Abbotsford.
I'm only a couple of blocks from my home, and as I pull up to the stop sign.....I see it....yes IT!! He is sitting there with evil intent in his eyes, and he's looking at ME...GULP!!
I'm pretty sure he has massive fangs and if I had a microscope in my glove box...I could've confirmed that fact, but as I don't always carry one with me, you'll just have to believe what I say to be true. My initial feeling of sheer terror has now at least been replaced with only mild terror. You see, on first spotting I thought my it was a spider who decided to hitch a ride on my steering column but upon my second glance I can see it's just some weird coloured beetle-y thing. Not much bigger than a ladybug, but still big enough to take a sizable chunk out of my body if he so desired! Now, I know that I'm a big ol'loser when it comes to the bug world and I'm fully aware of how irrational my fear is.....so there is no need to give me the old...'do you know how big you look to that little bug routine'...heard it all before...and yup, small though I am...I am bigger than a bug. Got it.
To give myself a little credit, I am getting a wee bit better with this fear of multi-legged things...(sorry for getting all technical there.) I try not to inflict pain...okay...KILL a bug on his own turf. I have made that pact with the bug community long ago, but when they enter into my own space, well then, it's sort of like when an opposing gang strolls through your territory...ya know, like I'm the Crips and they're the Bloods....wearing their little bandana's, showing up in my hood, and getting all up in my face.
Okay, clearly I have been watching way too much Lockdown....note to self, cut down the watching of prison documentaries to 2 episodes per night, max!
Anyways I think you get where I'm coming from....he's on my turf!
There are several breaks in the traffic, giving me plenty of opportunity to leave my place at the stop sign, but I can't move until I can sort out this tough dilemma.
If I leave him be, one of two things will surely happen...both with dire consequences. I could ignore him, just forget he's there (ya right!), but if I do that, and at some point he hits the runway for take off, well then I may get startled and drive into oncoming traffic...this would cause a chain reaction of brake slammers, and undoubtedly cause a 20-30 car pile up...not good! If I ignore him and he goes AWOL, then I would be worried as to where he went. I think we could put money on the fact that if he moved from where I could see him, he would head straight down to my leg, embedding himself under my skin...where he would go unnoticed for weeks, feeding on my flesh until he got so big that there would be a noticeable lump under my skin and one day it would just POP!! I think this may've happened to someone before...I think I saw a show about it on TLC.
So I guess for my safety, and that of the public too, I must 'deal' with him.
Now if he had picked the ledge of my door to sit on, then I would've merely given him a light flick to freedom. As he's chosen a slightly rounded place to sit, I can't risk trying to get him to climb on a piece of paper so I could then release him...to difficult to maneuver - I'm afraid I'm left with no choice other than a quick and hopefully painless 'disposal'.
Now, I'm not one to normally play the 'damsel in distress' card, but GAWD if there is ever a time when I feel tied to the tracks, it's when I'm faced with those in the creepy crawly world. I am alone though...and I must do it.
I open the glove box to grab a napkin to help me do the deed. DAMN!! Where is a grease stained Wendy's napkin when you need one - another note to self...eat at Wendy's more often and always ask for extra napkins!
I need to make my move fast before he starts to smell death in the air and tries to make a move. I go into my work bag and pull out a tissue...I don't really want to use it though, they are my 'best-use sparingly' ones. I'll have to use one...making this choice even worse is the fact that they have butterflies printed on them.
Now if that isn't a slap in the face to him...killing him with a 'bug themed' weapon.
On the other hand, knowing that the last thing he'll see is a butterfly coming at him...well it's almost like I'm not even doing it. The butterfly did it, in the silver Corolla, with the candlestick!!
I make my move...quick as lightning, it's over. Now what do I do? I have one balled up tissue in my hand containing the remains (I hope). I don't want to open it to confirm that he's in there, nor do I want to leave it in my car, in case he's still in there, playing dead until I reach work and he can make his escape.
UGHH!! Now I decide the only way to be done with this whole awful experience is to dump the body...I hate holding this thing in my hand...I need to think quick.
Within the next few blocks I decide to do something that I NEVER do....and I do mean NEVER...I have to litter!!! Could this story have any more ugly turns in it?!
I'm practically breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of littering....see I'm not such a bad person after all...take that, you who chose to judge me early in this story!! ;-)
Once again, I feel that I have no choice and looking around I see one lone construction dude walking on the road, I wait until he turns his head for a split second and woosh...out my window it goes. I look in my rear view mirror and see my little tissue bounce on the ground and come to it's final resting spot.
In the span of a few blocks and only minutes into my commute...my serene feeling is long gone. Five minutes ago, I was happily singing along to 'Hard Bargain' relaxing in my office on wheels and now, as I approach Fraser Hwy....I hang my head in shame. I am a murderer!!
No, it's worse than that, I'm a murderer - who litters!!
So there you have it, I'm admitting my crime and I do indeed, feel remorse, so I think that I am a good candidate for rehabilitation! With the right programs I will become a better person...I promise.
Hmm....I guess watching all those hours of Lockdown were good for me after all!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Saturday, November 8, 2008
But wait...
It's the line, I always wait to hear....you know it's coming, the final ploy to get you to buy something on an infomercial. I guess it terms of hook, line and sinker...it would be the sinker.
The hook of course, is the product. Be it the sham-wow (made by the Germans don't cha know), or the knife that you can cut a pop can with or maybe some of those stylin' blue blocker sunglasses or my new favourite, mighty putty.
The line, is having those incredibly dynamic aka mentally unstable folks that hawk the stuff. They tell you of all the benefits of the product and why you need them to make your life better. They are usually men, who have to shout the benefits of the products to you despite the fact that they are usually hooked up with some head mic that makes them look like there may be a chance, at any given moment they may break into song ala Britney...well song-ish.
I guess the shouting shows you how enthused they are about the product and they just want to make sure that you hear the benefits of their goods.
I can't count the number of times that I've had to cut a pop can in half, just before I need to cut some tomato slices for a sandwich... so handy to be able to do that with one knife, instead of the days when I used to bring my hacksaw indoors...a big time saver for sure!!
And by the time I take my next sun filled vacation I will make sure that I am donning a pair of blue blockers...I guess if I headed to Florida, they may even have other styles available there...the Del Boca Vista series maybe or perhaps the Golden Girls line...sounds sexy non??
The fact that they are big enough to cover half of my face is a real bonus, it means that I'll be saving money hand over fist on sunscreen...now I only need to do my chin and the top inch of my forehead...AWESOME!!!
I know for a fact Tony is leaning heavily towards the sham-wow...he has been using a similar product...let's call it the sham-PNE for years and swears by it.
For me though, I'm putting my money on the mighty putty. I think this will become a very useful thing to have around the home. I'm thinking if you can use it to install a shelf that will hold 350 lbs of weight, then it will be a good parenting tool as well. When I tell the kids to go in their room for a time out, no longer will I have to worry about them coming out every few minutes with the usual...'can I come out now?'...no siree, I plan on using my mighty putty to mount the kids to the wall...that way I can ensure that they won't come out until I'm good and ready to let them out!! Not sure how easy it is to remove though....hmmm, may have to read the fine print on that one!
This product really gives great value for the money, household uses, a parenting tool and the means to start up a new business!!
As Mr. Billy Mays aka GI Joe demonstrates, mighty putty can pull an 80,000 lb tractor trailer, so having that information combined with my natural entrepreneurial spirit, I figure that I may soon be entering the towing business.
All I'll need is a trailer hitch and my trusty putty....very low start up cost indeed!
I plan on concentrating on the big rig market, no more need to use those mega tow trucks, nah-uh...just Mel, my Corolla and my putty! This winter I'm going to head up and down the interior of BC looking for truckers in need, I will become like a guardian angel to these burly, lumber hauling, plaid shirt wearing, greasy spoon eating, peeing on the side of the road, dudes who made wearing a trucker hat fashionable. I may even, if the budget allows, fashion myself a halo made from pipe cleaners...kind of set me apart from the other tow truck operators.
I can hear their gruff voices calling me now....'breaker, breaker....Mel Angel we need you good buddy, do you copy?'
I will reply via my vintage cb radio, 'this is Mel Angel I read you my burly one and I will be there in a jiffy, 10-4'.
Oh, I can almost hear the sweet sounds of my bank account growing as I write this!
Note to my friends....as all new business have their hiccups, I think it would be wise for me to advise you NOT to drive behind me when I'm towing....just in case!
See, sometimes infomercials can be very useful.
But wait, if you comment on this blog in the next 4 minutes, I'm going to double the amount of time I'll be your friend....and that's not all....if you say nice things in your comment, I will keep all of the 'stuff' that I know about you to myself. Yes, you heard correctly....I will remain silent about the details of 'that' Friday night.
If you are not completely satisfied with my blog, just keep your memories of me and send me $19.95 to cover the handling costs.
The hook of course, is the product. Be it the sham-wow (made by the Germans don't cha know), or the knife that you can cut a pop can with or maybe some of those stylin' blue blocker sunglasses or my new favourite, mighty putty.
The line, is having those incredibly dynamic aka mentally unstable folks that hawk the stuff. They tell you of all the benefits of the product and why you need them to make your life better. They are usually men, who have to shout the benefits of the products to you despite the fact that they are usually hooked up with some head mic that makes them look like there may be a chance, at any given moment they may break into song ala Britney...well song-ish.
I guess the shouting shows you how enthused they are about the product and they just want to make sure that you hear the benefits of their goods.
I can't count the number of times that I've had to cut a pop can in half, just before I need to cut some tomato slices for a sandwich... so handy to be able to do that with one knife, instead of the days when I used to bring my hacksaw indoors...a big time saver for sure!!
And by the time I take my next sun filled vacation I will make sure that I am donning a pair of blue blockers...I guess if I headed to Florida, they may even have other styles available there...the Del Boca Vista series maybe or perhaps the Golden Girls line...sounds sexy non??
The fact that they are big enough to cover half of my face is a real bonus, it means that I'll be saving money hand over fist on sunscreen...now I only need to do my chin and the top inch of my forehead...AWESOME!!!
I know for a fact Tony is leaning heavily towards the sham-wow...he has been using a similar product...let's call it the sham-PNE for years and swears by it.
For me though, I'm putting my money on the mighty putty. I think this will become a very useful thing to have around the home. I'm thinking if you can use it to install a shelf that will hold 350 lbs of weight, then it will be a good parenting tool as well. When I tell the kids to go in their room for a time out, no longer will I have to worry about them coming out every few minutes with the usual...'can I come out now?'...no siree, I plan on using my mighty putty to mount the kids to the wall...that way I can ensure that they won't come out until I'm good and ready to let them out!! Not sure how easy it is to remove though....hmmm, may have to read the fine print on that one!
This product really gives great value for the money, household uses, a parenting tool and the means to start up a new business!!
As Mr. Billy Mays aka GI Joe demonstrates, mighty putty can pull an 80,000 lb tractor trailer, so having that information combined with my natural entrepreneurial spirit, I figure that I may soon be entering the towing business.
All I'll need is a trailer hitch and my trusty putty....very low start up cost indeed!
I plan on concentrating on the big rig market, no more need to use those mega tow trucks, nah-uh...just Mel, my Corolla and my putty! This winter I'm going to head up and down the interior of BC looking for truckers in need, I will become like a guardian angel to these burly, lumber hauling, plaid shirt wearing, greasy spoon eating, peeing on the side of the road, dudes who made wearing a trucker hat fashionable. I may even, if the budget allows, fashion myself a halo made from pipe cleaners...kind of set me apart from the other tow truck operators.
I can hear their gruff voices calling me now....'breaker, breaker....Mel Angel we need you good buddy, do you copy?'
I will reply via my vintage cb radio, 'this is Mel Angel I read you my burly one and I will be there in a jiffy, 10-4'.
Oh, I can almost hear the sweet sounds of my bank account growing as I write this!
Note to my friends....as all new business have their hiccups, I think it would be wise for me to advise you NOT to drive behind me when I'm towing....just in case!
See, sometimes infomercials can be very useful.
But wait, if you comment on this blog in the next 4 minutes, I'm going to double the amount of time I'll be your friend....and that's not all....if you say nice things in your comment, I will keep all of the 'stuff' that I know about you to myself. Yes, you heard correctly....I will remain silent about the details of 'that' Friday night.
If you are not completely satisfied with my blog, just keep your memories of me and send me $19.95 to cover the handling costs.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Nothing Needs to Happen
Nothing needs to happen
no expectations
nothing is going to change
same old life, it will remain
It's what you feel
that makes it real
everyday life will stay the same
it's only you that knows my name
Let the words
escape from your lips just once
speak the truth
even if no one will ever hear you
Send it to the skies above
tell them, of who you love
you tell me the same truth that you tell yourself
while the real truth sits on a shelf
no expectations
nothing is going to change
same old life, it will remain
It's what you feel
that makes it real
everyday life will stay the same
it's only you that knows my name
Let the words
escape from your lips just once
speak the truth
even if no one will ever hear you
Send it to the skies above
tell them, of who you love
you tell me the same truth that you tell yourself
while the real truth sits on a shelf
From the poetry vault.
Open Your Eyes and See
A small space of light gradually grows large,
and soon after, the darkness covers it up.
Try to see the light while there is still time to,
and while there's still something to see.
A small space of light gradually grows large,
and soon after, the darkness covers it up.
Try to see the light while there is still time to,
and while there's still something to see.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Truth in Advertising??
Well this is one of those cases where if there really is any truth in advertising...I know which home I'd rather live in.
Each week, while leaving my White Rock store, I pass an area that is full of new townhouse developments. Of course, as they are only in the building stages, they have to depend on their billboards to convey to you the good life you'll be living if you choose their development.
We've all seen these signs before, usually comprised of images like: a lady walking in a field of wild flowers, or a couple on their patio having a cup of full froth coffee...one person usually has their head tilted back in laughter, obviously amused at the hilarious joke that their partner has just told them and let's not forget the shot of families, all holding hands, kids wearing matching sweaters that of course colour compliment those of their parents (not that I take issue with that) and of course everyone is smiling and not a tantrum in sight. Good times, good times indeed.
That is the vision that the developers are selling to you....the good life. Oh what fun you'll have once you move in here.
Don't get me wrong, I love advertising and I can fully appreciate the selling of a lifestyle....even though we all know these moments are few and far between.
So if that's all that I have to go on, to chose which one of the two complexes that I would choose to live in, then I know exactly which one I'd pick.
As you can see from the photos, we have one place that will house pet owners with nice calm "lassie like" dogs, taking a break at the beach (probably just had a nice game of fetch)....or we can share a place where our new neighbours clearly like to take their rabid dogs out for walks on the beach.
Hmmm....lassie or mad dog lunging at me...what to do??!!!
Mind you looking at the photos again, I can see in the rabid dog one another picture of a person who appears to be attempting to take a dive off the end of a boat that is on land....ok, it's crystal clear now...one place is for nut jobs...of human and animal variety, while the other is for the sane.
Now, how am I going to choose!!! ;-)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Stop the Insanity!!
Okay, it's well documented that I am indeed fussy, my mum has called me a fuss-ass for as long as I can remember. I don't have a problem with the title though, nope not at all, because if I didn't hold this title...which unfortunately doesn't come with a sash or crown...well then there'd be the chance that I would become one of those 'other' people.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of those other people are lovely, even if they have been driving me to the brink of insanity lately!
I'm talking about those people, who for some reason have no problem leaving their homes to be viewed by the public at large, in clothes that I would have thought best belonged in the 'to be used as rags' pile....MEOW!!
I do my best to block them out, but like a moth to a flame, I can't help myself. I have a hard time taking my eyes off of them....even though I tell myself...look away from the horror lest you'll be scarred for life!
Now I know that people aren't going to don their finest when they are just picking up their kids from school, but would it be too much to expect that maybe we could do a little better than sweat pants.
Lately it seems that the vast majority of people waiting for their kids have come straight from an audition of What Not To Wear....I know, MEOW again!!
In the past few weeks I have witnessed, ill fitted pants o'plenty, including many that are way too short, and no they weren't Capri's.
The bold mixing of patterns that has resulted in the same effect, that being spun in a dryer after a large meal would have...not good!
People wearing more colours than any rainbow I've ever seen.
Clothes that have had food stains on, clearly a lot of misjudging of where the mouth is has been going on.
Note to all, it's the opening below the nose.
And as I've mentioned enough sweat pants to, when tied leg to leg, would stretch from here to St. Johns. RAAAHHH!!
I'm not talking even 'nice' sweatpants...I'm talking the kind that have obviously been lived in for a very long time, air conditioned at the knee, elastic at the ankles...need I say more?
It just seems that so many Canadians have decided that sloppy is ok...well, my fellow citizens I'm hear to scream...IT'S NOT!!
We are better than that people, let's not turn into our neighbours to the south where for some people, sweat pants paired with a matching sweat shirt is considered 'formal wear'!
It's not about having money, it's about style and more importantly pride.
In fact, having a lot of money to spend on clothes often has it's downside, as people are lured into the false sense of security that if they paid a lot of money for a piece of clothing than it must be good and they must be lookin' fine in it.
This can be a deadly assumption...why do you think that airports the world over are filled with rich ladies sporting white suits with gold lame' accents, tops covered with gold appliqued animals on and hideous bejewelled sandals that they jam their fat feet in!! Think about it...you've seen them too.
Head held high due to the fact that they assume they look good owing to the $1500.00 they plunked down to look that way.
So I beg of you, please treat yourself better.
Learn what looks good on your body type, know your size (your real size, if you're a large...don't buy a medium - nobody is going to look at your tag when you're out), don't wear more colours at one time than are in Joseph's technicolour dream coat, and less pattern than grandmas quilt is always a good rule to follow.
Well fitted basics in good quality fabrics is virtually fool proof.
And if you have to wear sweat pants, please do me a favour...for public viewing, let's shoot for no elastic at the ankles, no holes, a colour other than grey and let's really push the boat out and look for something with maybe a little embroidery.
All the above were suggestions of the 'if you have to' scenario...let it be known that the wearing of sweat pants has not been endorsed by me.
Changing sloppy people into fuss-asses one person at a time.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of those other people are lovely, even if they have been driving me to the brink of insanity lately!
I'm talking about those people, who for some reason have no problem leaving their homes to be viewed by the public at large, in clothes that I would have thought best belonged in the 'to be used as rags' pile....MEOW!!
I do my best to block them out, but like a moth to a flame, I can't help myself. I have a hard time taking my eyes off of them....even though I tell myself...look away from the horror lest you'll be scarred for life!
Now I know that people aren't going to don their finest when they are just picking up their kids from school, but would it be too much to expect that maybe we could do a little better than sweat pants.
Lately it seems that the vast majority of people waiting for their kids have come straight from an audition of What Not To Wear....I know, MEOW again!!
In the past few weeks I have witnessed, ill fitted pants o'plenty, including many that are way too short, and no they weren't Capri's.
The bold mixing of patterns that has resulted in the same effect, that being spun in a dryer after a large meal would have...not good!
People wearing more colours than any rainbow I've ever seen.
Clothes that have had food stains on, clearly a lot of misjudging of where the mouth is has been going on.
Note to all, it's the opening below the nose.
And as I've mentioned enough sweat pants to, when tied leg to leg, would stretch from here to St. Johns. RAAAHHH!!
I'm not talking even 'nice' sweatpants...I'm talking the kind that have obviously been lived in for a very long time, air conditioned at the knee, elastic at the ankles...need I say more?
It just seems that so many Canadians have decided that sloppy is ok...well, my fellow citizens I'm hear to scream...IT'S NOT!!
We are better than that people, let's not turn into our neighbours to the south where for some people, sweat pants paired with a matching sweat shirt is considered 'formal wear'!
It's not about having money, it's about style and more importantly pride.
In fact, having a lot of money to spend on clothes often has it's downside, as people are lured into the false sense of security that if they paid a lot of money for a piece of clothing than it must be good and they must be lookin' fine in it.
This can be a deadly assumption...why do you think that airports the world over are filled with rich ladies sporting white suits with gold lame' accents, tops covered with gold appliqued animals on and hideous bejewelled sandals that they jam their fat feet in!! Think about it...you've seen them too.
Head held high due to the fact that they assume they look good owing to the $1500.00 they plunked down to look that way.
So I beg of you, please treat yourself better.
Learn what looks good on your body type, know your size (your real size, if you're a large...don't buy a medium - nobody is going to look at your tag when you're out), don't wear more colours at one time than are in Joseph's technicolour dream coat, and less pattern than grandmas quilt is always a good rule to follow.
Well fitted basics in good quality fabrics is virtually fool proof.
And if you have to wear sweat pants, please do me a favour...for public viewing, let's shoot for no elastic at the ankles, no holes, a colour other than grey and let's really push the boat out and look for something with maybe a little embroidery.
All the above were suggestions of the 'if you have to' scenario...let it be known that the wearing of sweat pants has not been endorsed by me.
Changing sloppy people into fuss-asses one person at a time.
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