Saturday, January 24, 2009

Buggin' Out!!

Ok, let me set the scene for you....I've just set off for work, lovely crisp morning, the sweet sounds of Ron Sexsmith fill my car, perfect conditions for a nice relaxing commute to Abbotsford.
I'm only a couple of blocks from my home, and as I pull up to the stop sign.....I see it....yes IT!! He is sitting there with evil intent in his eyes, and he's looking at ME...GULP!!
I'm pretty sure he has massive fangs and if I had a microscope in my glove box...I could've confirmed that fact, but as I don't always carry one with me, you'll just have to believe what I say to be true. My initial feeling of sheer terror has now at least been replaced with only mild terror. You see, on first spotting I thought my it was a spider who decided to hitch a ride on my steering column but upon my second glance I can see it's just some weird coloured beetle-y thing. Not much bigger than a ladybug, but still big enough to take a sizable chunk out of my body if he so desired! Now, I know that I'm a big ol'loser when it comes to the bug world and I'm fully aware of how irrational my fear there is no need to give me the old...'do you know how big you look to that little bug routine'...heard it all before...and yup, small though I am...I am bigger than a bug. Got it.
To give myself a little credit, I am getting a wee bit better with this fear of multi-legged things...(sorry for getting all technical there.) I try not to inflict pain...okay...KILL a bug on his own turf. I have made that pact with the bug community long ago, but when they enter into my own space, well then, it's sort of like when an opposing gang strolls through your territory...ya know, like I'm the Crips and they're the Bloods....wearing their little bandana's, showing up in my hood, and getting all up in my face.
Okay, clearly I have been watching way too much Lockdown....note to self, cut down the watching of prison documentaries to 2 episodes per night, max!
Anyways I think you get where I'm coming from....he's on my turf!
There are several breaks in the traffic, giving me plenty of opportunity to leave my place at the stop sign, but I can't move until I can sort out this tough dilemma.
If I leave him be, one of two things will surely happen...both with dire consequences. I could ignore him, just forget he's there (ya right!), but if I do that, and at some point he hits the runway for take off, well then I may get startled and drive into oncoming traffic...this would cause a chain reaction of brake slammers, and undoubtedly cause a 20-30 car pile up...not good! If I ignore him and he goes AWOL, then I would be worried as to where he went. I think we could put money on the fact that if he moved from where I could see him, he would head straight down to my leg, embedding himself under my skin...where he would go unnoticed for weeks, feeding on my flesh until he got so big that there would be a noticeable lump under my skin and one day it would just POP!! I think this may've happened to someone before...I think I saw a show about it on TLC.
So I guess for my safety, and that of the public too, I must 'deal' with him.
Now if he had picked the ledge of my door to sit on, then I would've merely given him a light flick to freedom. As he's chosen a slightly rounded place to sit, I can't risk trying to get him to climb on a piece of paper so I could then release difficult to maneuver - I'm afraid I'm left with no choice other than a quick and hopefully painless 'disposal'.
Now, I'm not one to normally play the 'damsel in distress' card, but GAWD if there is ever a time when I feel tied to the tracks, it's when I'm faced with those in the creepy crawly world. I am alone though...and I must do it.
I open the glove box to grab a napkin to help me do the deed. DAMN!! Where is a grease stained Wendy's napkin when you need one - another note to at Wendy's more often and always ask for extra napkins!
I need to make my move fast before he starts to smell death in the air and tries to make a move. I go into my work bag and pull out a tissue...I don't really want to use it though, they are my 'best-use sparingly' ones. I'll have to use one...making this choice even worse is the fact that they have butterflies printed on them.
Now if that isn't a slap in the face to him...killing him with a 'bug themed' weapon.
On the other hand, knowing that the last thing he'll see is a butterfly coming at him...well it's almost like I'm not even doing it. The butterfly did it, in the silver Corolla, with the candlestick!!
I make my move...quick as lightning, it's over. Now what do I do? I have one balled up tissue in my hand containing the remains (I hope). I don't want to open it to confirm that he's in there, nor do I want to leave it in my car, in case he's still in there, playing dead until I reach work and he can make his escape.
UGHH!! Now I decide the only way to be done with this whole awful experience is to dump the body...I hate holding this thing in my hand...I need to think quick.
Within the next few blocks I decide to do something that I NEVER do....and I do mean NEVER...I have to litter!!! Could this story have any more ugly turns in it?!
I'm practically breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of littering....see I'm not such a bad person after all...take that, you who chose to judge me early in this story!! ;-)
Once again, I feel that I have no choice and looking around I see one lone construction dude walking on the road, I wait until he turns his head for a split second and woosh...out my window it goes. I look in my rear view mirror and see my little tissue bounce on the ground and come to it's final resting spot.
In the span of a few blocks and only minutes into my serene feeling is long gone. Five minutes ago, I was happily singing along to 'Hard Bargain' relaxing in my office on wheels and now, as I approach Fraser Hwy....I hang my head in shame. I am a murderer!!
No, it's worse than that, I'm a murderer - who litters!!
So there you have it, I'm admitting my crime and I do indeed, feel remorse, so I think that I am a good candidate for rehabilitation! With the right programs I will become a better person...I promise.

Hmm....I guess watching all those hours of Lockdown were good for me after all!!