Monday, September 24, 2012

Close Encounters in the Wild Kingdom

When I came home from work today I headed straight to the bedroom to throw off my clothes, well, not really 'throw', it wasn't like I'd had some violent stripper routine going, but there was a certain vigour to it - I was just happy to be home early and wanted to slip into something more comfortable, as the saying goes.

I was already planning out what I'd do with my 2 whole hours of free time, subtracting lunch time it still left me with a decent chunk of freedom, enough time to let my mind wander to whatever inspiration may come my way.

And then it happened....

Once again I found myself face to face with a creature from the wild kingdom, and right away my mood changed, my 'I'm home from work early' bliss is now temporarily on hold.
I must give myself credit, I am getting better at dealing with these creatures, but I wouldn't exactly call myself brave just yet.  Though my initial *gasp* is soon replaced with problem solving thoughts, not continued terror - see progress!
OK, I have to admit this is in large part due to the fact that the creature isn't a spider, but yet again, some beetle-y thing, so not quite as scary to me.

There he is, on the wall near the vent and he's just staring at me, I stare back at him.  Neither of us break our glance, so I finally decide to try and break the ice and I say to him, 'hi Paul'....he gives me an eye roll!!  Can you believe it, an eye roll?!!  I was trying to be friendly!  He says, 'my name's not Paul'.  I said, it was a joke, ya know, you're some kind of beetle type of thing, and Paul was a famous Beatle, get it?'  Apparently he's heard this one way too many times and as it turns out, he's not a fan of the band anyway, he's into early jazz.  How am I to know?!  He also informs me that he has a weakness for death metal, now that really surprised me!  I personally can't stomach the stuff, but to each his own I always say.
Speaking of death, my thoughts are turned to what to do with this creature, who has entered my home, uninvited I might add.  We continue to stare at one another, but then he gives me the ol' once over.   It's then that I realize that I'm just wearing me smalls - though I am thankful that I've chosen matching bra and panties today, that'll show him that I'm an 'in charge' kinda gal and that the ball is in my court.  Plus, it's not like he's wearing clothes, so on that score we're on a level playing field really.

So I consider my options, which really are few.  I could suck that baby up in my vacuum, it would be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind', and I wouldn't have to stress over where he is.  Then I consider that option further, I mean, it's really dusty in there and I have no way of knowing if he has any allergies.  If he did have asthma or some other like ailment, it's obvious that he doesn't have an inhaler on him - no clothes, no pockets.  I could ask him, but after my botched attempt at a joke with him earlier, I fear he wouldn't take kindly to me asking him if he had any 'health issues'. The world has gone so politically correct that you have to be so careful, one misstep and that bug could sue me and end up owning my place!..then he'd be looking at ways to evict me instead of the other way around!  I'm not taking any chances.
I could let him have a quick meeting with Mr. Shoe...but then that would leave me with Mr. Guts on the Wall - not nice, plus I can't bear that crunching sound, blaaah!!
I could try to get him on a piece of paper and set him outside, but then I take the risk of having a mild heart attack.  Sometimes these, sons ma bitches have hidden wings tucked in their shells and then can flick those babies out and take flight in a split second!  That would definitely scare the Bee Gee's outta me, not a gamble I'm willing to take!

Last option is to just back away and pretend I didn't see him.  Sure this has the great disadvantage of later having to wonder where's he lurking, but I was dealing with the present situation, not later.  I mean, he was right by the vent, so I'm assuming that's the way he came in and if I spare his life, surely he will be so incredibly grateful that he will turn his little hard backside right around and go back the same way he came in.  Plus, I'm pretty sure when I first saw him, he was holding a tiny sign that said, 'Chilliwack or bust', so he wasn't quite at his final destination anyway.  He probably had a big family reunion to go to, or perhaps a wedding. Yes, I bet that's it, he had a wedding to go to, because although he wasn't wearing any clothes, I did notice a blue velvet bow tie around his why else would he be wearing that?  A magician?  I don't think so, there was no sparkly vest anywhere in sight.  Nope, he was obviously headed to a wedding and just took a wrong turn.  I certainly couldn't end his life now, he was expected to be somewhere today...if he didn't show up, surely there would be questions.  Sure at first the questions would be along the lines of 'how dare he not make an effort to get to his third cousins wedding?'....'how could he be so selfish?'
But come Christmas time when no one received cards from him, it would become clear that he had met with foul play that fateful fall day.  20/20 or Dateline would eventually do a special about it and  somehow they'd trace his last known location to my home, and the whispers would begin.
I couldn't have that weighing on my conscience, so I decided to give him the wonderful gift of life, which of course is much more generous than the juicer that I'm sure he bought for the wedding. It seems even the bug community is on a health kick - the worms only protein diet was all the rage!

So today my friends, I stand 5' 1/2", I could have taken a life but I chose not to.  I am proud of my new level of bravery, maturity and my great contribution to the world at large.  Please feel free to nominate me for one some kind of humanitarian award or whatever the bug saving equivalent is, I do believe I've earned it.

And Paul, enjoy the wedding.

*Note to the wedding DJ - NO Beatles music!!!!

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